


Sanders Asides: Harry Potter

by onyxjay



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Gen, ron weasley defense squad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxjay/pseuds/onyxjay
Summary: Thomas and his sides rewatch the Harry Potter movies
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	1. Philosopher’s Stone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ravenhilarious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenhilarious/gifts).



If there was one thing Thomas and his sides had in common it was a love of Harry Potter.

(Yes, I'm aware they're all a part of one person; let's move on.)

Which was why Roman suggested a Harry Potter marathon. His argument was that the Frozen rewatch had been a success and they felt better after it and — okay, maybe Roman really wanted to rant about the inconsistencies, who cares?

—————

"Look at little Daniel and Rupert!" Patton gushed as Harry and Ron conversed on the train. "And — ooh!— here comes Emma!"

Emma Watson, looking and sounding very much like the character she was portraying for now, eventually went away.

—————

_"Say, Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?"_

"Alan Rickman!" Roman and Patton cheered.

Thomas smiled sadly.

—————

_Ron and Harry raced into the Transfiguration classroom. Hermione rolled her eyes._

_"Whew, we made it," Ron said. "Can you imagine the look on McGonagall's face if we were late?"_

"Hold that thought," Roman said.

_Sure enough, the cat sitting on the desk turned into Professor McGonagall._

_"That was bloody brilliant," Ron whispered._

_"Thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley," McGonagall said. "Perhaps if I were to transfigure Mr. Potter and yourself into a pocketwatch, that way one of you might be on time."_

"It's their first day! How can anyone expect them to know where to go?" Virgil said. "Especially when the staircases move on their own and you have doors that don't lead anywhere.”

“Yes, the logic is not strong in the wizarding world,” Logan said.

—————

_"Up!" said Ron, and up went the broomstick, hitting him in the face. Harry laughed._

"Okay, I know the school brooms were said to be faulty, but this just makes Ron look like a fool," Logan griped. "We already have Neville to show that; no need to add on."

—————

_"Do something!" Harry yelled, hanging upside-down while the troll tried to hit him with its club._

_Ron, like the fool the movies had made him out to be, looked around in confusion. "What?"_

_"Anything!"_

"Yes!" Virgil hissed. "Don't just stand there! That's not what book Ron did!"

"But this isn't book R —"

"Shh!"

_"Swish and flick!" Hermione said to Ron, who waved his wand and sent the troll's club into the air._

"She was nowhere near as calm in the book!" Roman complained. "Ron did the charm all by himself!"

"And let's not forget that he did it in the middle of a life or death situation," Virgil added, looking like he wanted to jump into the screen and punch someone (namely, the offscreen director and/or screenwriter). "Hermione cast the spell in a safe, controlled environment."

Logan's eyes widened. "Hey, yeah!"

_Harry was speaking now as the trio walked back to the Gryffindor common room. "Good for you to get us out of trouble like that."_

_"What's with you?" Ron said. "I mean, we did save her life."_

_"Mind you, she didn't need saving if you hadn't insulted her."_

_"What are friends for?" Ron and Hermione smiled at each other_.

Patton squealed, his hands covering his mouth. "Awww, the start of a great romance."

"Is it, though?" Roman said.

Virgil frowned. "Don't you like Romione?"

"I do, but you have to admit, with the way the movies portrayed them..." Roman trailed off as Virgil's mouth opened in an O shape.

"Right. Harmione," Virgil said, making Roman gag.

"Never say the H-word around me."

"HARMIONE!!" his brother, Remus, screeched, leaping out, thankfully fully clothed.

"SHUT UP!!" Roman screamed back.

—————

Hermione set Snape's robes on fire. Roman and Virgil whooped.

"You do remember it was Quirrell who was jinxing the broom, right?" Patton said.

"Eh, Snape's an ass," Roman replied.

Remus snorted.

"But still! Hermione could have really hurt him!" Patton pointed out. "And she never got in trouble for it."

"She never gets in trouble," Virgil said, his eyes narrowing. "Not even in the books is she held accountable for her actions."

—————

_The Devil's Snare scene came up. Ron was screaming his head off while Hermione calmly tried to instruct him on what to do. Again._

"Why?" Roman said, rubbing his eyes irritably. "Why is she calmly trying to instruct him on what to do? Again?"

"Well, they did cut out the potion riddle scene," Patton pointed out, but his voice was flat as if he didn't fully agree with his own statement.

"Yes," Janus drawled, startling everyone as they hadn't noticed him quietly join them. "Because it is an absolute requirement to bring down one character to elevate another up."

—————

"The end of a great movie," Patton said with a happy sigh.

"That was relatively faithful to the book," Virgil added, scowling.

Unlike some he could mention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that was Philosopher’s Stone. I’m unsure if I will have Deathly Hallows split like it was for the movies, but regardless, you can expect one chapter per book at the very least.


	2. Chamber of Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Remus (Sanders, of course) being Remus, slugs, creepy crawly death dealers, ..... I don’t know what else

Next up was Chamber of Secrets, another movie that was arguably faithful to its companion.

_"Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?" Draco sneered. "Famous Harry Potter. Can't even go into a bookshop without leading the front page."_

_Ginny stepped forward. "Leave him alone."_

_"Oh, look, Potter. Got yourself a girlfriend."_

"Not yet," Roman said, wriggling in place.

_Lucius Malfoy appeared behind Draco. "Mr. Potter! Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last." He pulled Harry closer and pushed Harry's bangs aside. "Forgive me, your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you."_

_Harry met his stare evenly. "Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer."_

_"You must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish."_

_"Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself," Hermione declared_.

"Says the girl who couldn't say it until fifth year," Roman said loudly.

Logan was shaking his head. "Hardly anyone seems to flinch at the name in the movies. They completely remove yet another important aspect of the books."

—————

Patton shuddered as Ron spat out the slugs. "Poor Ron. That must've tasted horribly."

Remus made a noise of disagreement. "Oh, they taste amazing, you should try one." And then, reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of slugs.

Patton blinked, certain he saw them moving. "No, thank you."

"I'll try one," Logan said. "For science," he added at everyone's astonished looks.

Thomas gagged, looking away as Logan slurped the slug like a noodle. "This is even worse than the stretchy-arm thing."

"Why is Hermione crying?" Roman wondered, barely paying attention to his surroundings. "She didn't know what that word meant and she certainly wouldn't have grown up with the emotional impact even if she read it somewhere!"

"Not to mention," Logan said, licking the slime off his fingers (Thomas tried to keep his eyes on the screen with little success), "Ron's just vomiting in the background like he's a joke. Again."

And Logan knew all about being treated like a joke.

—————

_"Expelliarmus!" Snape shouted, and sent Lockhart flying backwards._

_"Do you think he's all right?" Hermione asked._

_A grinning Ron said, "Who cares?"_

Roman sighed. "The one time I'm rooting for Snape."

_Draco and Harry were called up._

_"Scared, Potter?"_

_"You wish."_

Roman snorted. "And why would I be scared of a little ferret?"

—————

The appearance of Aragog had Patton squealing and clinging on to Janus for dear life. "Giant creepy crawlers death dealers!"

"It's okay, it's only this one scene," Janus said, patting his arm.

Virgil glared at the screen. "Rupert, you stop listening to the screenwriters and stop making those faces."

"They can't hear you," Logan said. "However, I do agree having Ron look so cowardly is a little extra."

"Extra isn't the word I'd use," Virgil muttered.

—————

"Hot Tom coming through," Remus said as the teenage Tom Riddle appeared.

"Too bad the actor was 'too old' to reprise his role in Half-Blood Prince," Roman remarked.

 _"Voldemort is my past, present and future." And then, using Harry's wand, Tom wrote his full name in the air. He flicked the wand and the letters rearranged themselves_.

"You know, it could have easily spelled Mr. Tom, a dildo lover," Remus said. "Or Liver Mold Doormat. Or — ooh! — I am Lord Dolt Mover."

Logan frowned at him, then made quick calculations. "Oh."

—————

_"Promise me something."_

_"Anything, sir."_

_"Never try to save my life again._ "

"But he does," Remus piped up, "and he _dies_ because of it!"

"Don't remind me!" Patton moaned, covering his face.

—————

 _Hermione embraced Harry, but when she turned to Ron, she paused and awkwardly shook his hand_.

"D'awww, Hermione," Patton gushed.

"Wasn't Emma supposed to hug Rupert but got shy?" Virgil asked. "Because if so, that makes this even more adorable."

—————

The ending credits appeared.

Roman stretched. "Ahh! Another movie down. Next up, Prisoner of Azkaban!"

There was a general response of eagerness and irritation as they braced themselves for the influx of criticism.


	3. Prisoner of Azkaban

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Remus (do I need to specify which one?) making sexual comments + plus one graphic comment

“The first movie where Steve Kloves really shines,” Roman said in false cheerfulness as Prisoner of Azkaban began.

—————

_“Who do you think that is?” Ron asked_.

_“Professor R. J. Lupin,” Hermione answered._

“ME!!” Remus — the Duke — exclaimed. He was naked now.

Janus didn’t even look at him. “Put your clothes back on. Now.”

“But — oh, fine.” Remus was dressed again, arms crossed over his chest.

—————

_“It was a dementor,” said Lupin. “One of the guards of Azkaban. It’s gone now. It was searching the train for Sirius Black. If you’ll excuse me, I need to have a little word with the driver.” He stood and opened the compartment door, where he paused and smiled. “Eat. You’ll feel better.”_

“It’s just too bad Lupin wasn’t in the later movies as much,” Patton said sadly.

—————

_The boggart, in the form of Snape, stepped out of the wardrobe._

“Is there a reason why he stepped out like that?” Patton wondered.

“Huh,” said Roman, who hadn’t thought of this before. “You’re right. Like he just kinda…” He stood and mimicked Rickman’s posture.

“Because what the movies need is some juicy stuff,” Remus said with a suggestive wiggle.

_Ron stepped up. The boggart turned into a giant spider._

Patton squeaked and grabbed onto Janus again. “Another creepy crawler death dealer!”

“And another scene with Ron making faces,” Logan commented, shaking his head.

—————

_“He’s got a point, you know?”_

“He does not!” Roman protested.

Remus rubbed his hands together gleefully. “He could if I —”

“Whatever you’re going to say, no,” Janus said.

Remus whined in response.

—————

“Ronald has lost his rat,” Roman mimicked viciously. “Right, let’s all blame Ron when things go wrong.”

"Hermione only likes evidence when it doesn’t make her look bad,” Janus said coolly, thinking of the time Lavender’s rabbit died — another moment erased from the movies. Come to think of it, Lavender herself was erased until the sixth movie.

“And Kloves really likes Hermione. Well, the version we see onscreen,” Virgil amended, waving his hand toward Emma. “If he met the real Hermione Granger, I don’t think he’d like her. Book Hermione actually has flaws.”

“And book Harry and Ron are actually competent in their own way,” Roman grumbled in bitter agreement.

—————

_Perhaps (read: definitely) the worst part of Prisoner of Azkaban was when Hermione stood in front of Harry and proclaimed, “If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us, too!”_

“That was Ron’s line!” Logan and Roman shouted in unison.

Patton pouted. “It doesn’t sound right.”

“Because it was Ron’s line!” Logan and Roman shouted, again in unison.

Remus held up his mace. “Hermione wants to steal lines, I’ll steal her toes…”

Just as Thomas was thinking that sounded fairly mild, Remus continued.

“… and shove them so deep in her eye sockets her eyes fall out!”

There it was.

—————

“ _Well, you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you, Remus?”_

_Lupin lowered his wand and helped Sirius to his feet. They embraced._

"Wolfstar!” Roman and Patton cheered. Thomas grinned.

“He gets together with Tonks, doesn’t he?” Logan said.

“It’s called multi-shipping, Specs,” Roman replied. “I like Ronks, but Wolfstar is nice too. And it’s gay.”

“Could be gayer,” Patton chirped, smiling when Thomas laughed.

_Some moments later, they were all outside. Lupin began to transform. Sirius raced up to him in an effort to slow him down._

_“This heart is where you truly live! This heart here! This flesh is only flesh!” he yelled, pressing his hand to Lupin’s chest._

Remus smirked. “They definitely fucked when he was in his werewolf form.”

Thomas cringed and Patton squeaked.

Janus rolled his eyes. “With their other friends there? I sincerely doubt it.”

"A foursome, then?” Remus suggested eagerly, and Roman clapped his hands over Patton’s ears.

“Remus, not in front of the kids!”

“Look, all I’m saying is I’d love to bang a werewolf.”

“You’d bang a dementor if given the chance,” Janus muttered.

Remus beamed at him. “I sure would.”

_Snape appeared from the tunnel. “There you are, Potter!” he growled. Behind him, Lupin snarled and Snape quickly turned to shield the trio with his body._

“So they’re perfectly fine with changing a scene to make Snape look better, but when it comes to the Weasleys, oh no, too much work,” Roman said, shaking his head so vigorously his hood fell off.

“They also removed most of Draco’s less-than-pleasant lines and actions,” Virgil said, remembering Weasley is our King.

—————

As Harry and Hermione raced back to the hospital wing after freeing Sirius, Remus slid over and plopped into Janus’ lap. “If you were a dementor, I’d gladly let you take my soul.”

Whether it was because he was completely used to Remus’ flirtatious ways or because he was really good at feigning impassiveness no one knew, but Janus managed not to react other than an irritated “I’m trying to watch the movie.”

_The H’s had opened the doors to the hospital wing just as their past selves disappeared._

_Ron looked lost. “How did you get there?” he demanded, pointing to them. “I was talking to you there.” He pointed to the spot they had been seconds ago and back. “And now you’re there.”_

_Hermione turned to Harry. “What’s he talking about, Harry?”_

_“I don’t know. Honestly, Ron. How can somebody be in two places at once?”_

_Hermione chuckled._

Janus let out a very loud hiss of displeasure. “You’ll be in two places at once when I —”

He broke off when he saw Remus’ beaming face.

“Look at you, Deceiverus Snape! It looks like I’m starting to rub off on you.”

“And that concludes another Harry Potter movie!” Roman announced before Logan could remark that Remus rubbing off Janus wasn’t just figurative. “Next up, Goblet of Fire!”

Logan opened his mouth to point out there were still a few minutes left of this movie, but one look at Remus, who was still in Janus’ lap, and he remained silent.


	4. Goblet of Fire

“Goblet of Fire,” pronounced Roman. “The year no one got a haircut.”

“But they look so amazing with long hair,” Patton said with a dreamy sigh.

—————

“You’re going to die later on,” Remus sang eagerly as Cedric made his debut appearance by dropping out of a tree.

Thomas and Patton made a face.

—————

_“It’s not going to work,” Hermione said in a singsong voice._

_The twins exchanged a glance and went to sit down on either side of her._

_“Oh yeah? And why’s that, Granger?”_

_“You see this?” Hermione gestured toward the line. “This is an age line. Dumbledore drew it himself.”_

_“So?”_

_Hermione put her book down in exasperation. “So a genius like Dumbledore couldn’t possibly be fooled by something pathetically dimwitted such as an age potion.”_

Roman shook his head. “Movie Hermione has more chemistry with the twins in this one scene than Ron in all eight movies.”

“Wasn’t there a rumor that Rowling was going to pair Hermione with Fred?” Remus said.

“Yes, and it was exactly that, a rumor,” Roman told him. “No actual proof she said that.”

“Oh, well. I thought they could have been in a threesome.”

Thomas looked at Janus and mouthed, _Why?_ to which Janus gave him a look in return that said, _How the fuck should I know?_

—————

_“How did you do it?” Ron asked. “Never mind. Doesn’t matter. You could have let your best friend know though.”_

“ _Let you know what?” Harry said defensively_.

_“You know bloody well what.”_

_“I didn’t ask for this to happen, Ron. Okay? You’re being stupid.”_

_“Yeah that’s me, Ron Weasley… Harry Potter’s stupid friend.”_

“No!” Patton shouted in anguish for Ron. “You are far from stupid.”

“This script, on the other hand,” Roman said, arms crossed, “is extremely stupid. Because in the book, Harry didn’t want to sound melodramatic by saying someone probably put his name in to get him killed despite the fact that Ron would have most likely been inclined to listen.”

“But haven’t you learned by now?” Janus drawled. “The movies cannot show Ron in any positive light. That would defeat the whole purpose of ruining his character.”

Virgil let out a hiss that was, for once, not aimed at Janus.

—————

_Draco jumped down from a tree and began taunting Harry._

“What was the point in him being in the tree?” Thomas wondered.

“Theatrics?” Logan suggested. “Because he thinks he looks cool.”

And as a certified cool teacher, Logan could safely say Draco looked like an idiot.

“Take that, Malferret!” Roman crowed as Moody — well, Barty Crouch Jr. in disguise — bounced the white ferret up and down. “That’s what you get for being a bitch!”

—————

 _Harry and Ron made up after the first task, although their conversation was just… wrong_.

_And Hermione just had to whisper in an exasperated tone, “Boys.”_

“Don’t be so high and mighty, Granger,” Roman warned. “Just last year, you wouldn’t talk to Ron because you didn’t believe your cat could do any wrong.”

—————

_The Patil twins, Padma and Parvati, walked into the common room. “Hi, Harry,” they said in unison._

“They. Are. Not. In. The. Same. House,” Logan said between claps.

“And they aren’t Weasley twins 2.0,” Virgil added.

“No. They. Are. Not,” Logan agreed, again while clapping.

“This. Is. Fun,” Remus announced, also clapping. The difference was he wasn’t doing it between words — it was random, as one would expect from him. And he didn’t stop until Janus reached over and grabbed his hands.

“You know, Jany, if you wanted to hold my hand, you could’ve just said so.”

Janus released him right away.

—————

_“Barty Crouch…!”_

_Gasps all around_.

_“… Junior.”_

“The theatrics of these villains,” Roman said. “I love it.”

—————

_As Harry and Hermione worked on finding ways to breathe underwater, Ron sat in a chair, snoring._

“Ron Weasley would _never_ slack off when his friends need help!” Patton protested, jabbing a finger at the screen. “In Prisoner of Azkaban, he helped Hagrid on his case for Buckbeak because he is a _hard worker_! Like a Hufflepuff!”

“Huh,” said Logan. “Ron as a Hufflepuff. That’s not a bad fit.”

“Ron’s a very well-rounded character,” Janus said. “He could fit into any of the houses fairly well. Hermione, on the other hand, not so much.”

—————

” _Ingenious,“ Snape was saying. "A rather rare herb gilliweed, not something found in your every day garden. Nor is this.” He held up a small vial. “Know what it is?”_

_Harry shrugged. “Bubble juice, sir?”_

Roman coughed into his hand to hide a laugh. “I mean, he’s not wrong. There are bubbles and juices involved in a lot of potions.”

_“… You and your friends are brewing Polyjuice Potion and believe me I’m going to find out why.” Snape shut the door in Harry’s face._

“He does realize he just locked himself inside all for the sake of dramatic flair, right?” Virgil said.

Roman snorted. “Can you imagine him peeking out every two seconds to see if Harry had gone?”

Thomas burst out laughing at the image.

—————

_Harry and Cedric were teleported to the graveyard._

Remus rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Here comes my favorite part.”

“And my least,” Patton squeaked out.

Janus silently extended his arm and Patton buried his face in his shoulder.

_Just in time, too, because Wormtail cast the Killing Curse, which sent Cedric flying backwards and landing dead._

“Is it over?” Patton asked.

“Cedric dying, yes,” said Janus, and Patton raised his head. “But Voldemort’s about to appear.” Patton’s face promptly disappeared back into Janus’ shoulder.

 _“I can touch you now!” Voldemort proclaimed_.

Thomas did his best to ignore the snicker from the Duke. It was slightly harder to ignore the muttered ship name between the two.

_Voldemort and Harry dueled. An image of Cedric appeared._

“ _Harry, take my body back, will you? Take my body back to my father.”_

“Sure thing,” said Janus in faux cheerfulness, still rubbing Patton’s back. “Just let me ask Voldemort to stop trying to kill me for one second, okay?”

“Okay, now that you mention it,” said Virgil, “that does sound kind of out of place.”

“It’s not really Cedric, though,” Logan pointed out. “Is it?”

“Dumbledore said it’s like a reverse echo,” Roman said, having flipped through the book to make certain. “So no.”

—————

_The Polyjuice Potion wore off, and Moody’s body was replaced by Barty Crouch Jr.’s._

“Doctor!” The exclamation came surprisingly from Logan. He saw everyone staring and cleared his throat self-consciously.

Patton beamed at him. “Aw, Logan! Don’t be embarrassed!”

“I’m not embarrassed,” said Logan, taking a sip from his cup.

“Even someone who isn’t the embodiment of deceit would know that’s a lie,” Janus said.

“Like meeee!” Remus exclaimed because he had to draw attention to himself.

—————

Thomas yawned as the ending credits came on.

Logan glanced at him and said, “I think we should continue watching tomorrow. It’s getting late.”

There was a mild grumble of complaint from Roman, but he had to admit he was tired too. “Fine by me,” he said, letting out a yawn of his own.

The sides began sinking out for the night. Remus waited until everyone had gone before piping up, “Order of the Phoenix, huh?”

Thomas eyed him warily.

“Sirius is going to die!”

“I know.”

“At the hands of his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange!”

“I know.”

“The woman who tortured Neville’s parents —”

“Into insanity,” Thomas finished, sounding almost bored.

Remus sniffed at the lack of reaction. “You’re no fun anymore. I’m gonna go bother Dee.”

And finally, he was gone as well. Thomas sighed. Janus was going to be cranky tomorrow, he just knew it.


End file.
